Sometimes it is Hard!

Ok, so everyone thinks that I'm super cheerful Heidi about this whole cancer routine that has become my life story..and its true, MOST of the time I try to be cheerful about the whole thing and make the most of it. After all your attitude and the way you react to a situation is half the battle really. So I try to surround myself with people and activities that build me up and encourage me and are cheerful, because I NEED that!

But some days are just HARD! I've never written a blog post on a hard day, so I thought I should do so today. Can I just complain for a minute? Ok, here are my 4 complaints for today!

1-My arm hurt SO BAD during radiation! I don't know why! Usually it only hurts the last few minutes after holding it perfectly still for 30 minutes---and did I mention its being held above my head in a weird position? Uncomfortable...but today was really hard and my arm was KILLING me. But I couldn't move it. It was so hard and I had to use 'mind over body' exercises to help me to not go bonkers. It was so painful.

2-Holding my breath today was HARD too! I hold my breath 20+ times a day for radiation treatment and usually its not a big deal. But once a week they do x-rays along w/ the radiation and I have to hold my breath much longer. Add on to that the fact that I have sore muscles in my chest area from the radiation and it just hurts to hold my breath. Well today I seriously thought I would pass out one time. I had to hold my breath SOOO long I about died. And here' s the clincher...if I let out a breath then the machine will be radiating my HEART!! So I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO hold my breath in. It was so hard, I couldn't stand it. I opened my eyes (I usually always have them closed) and looked up to the ceiling and started counting the bolts on the ceiling and kept telling myself to just keep counting and ignoring the fact that my lungs were on fire from holding it so long. Combined with my sore arm it was just really a hard day at radiation today.

3-As some of you know our car was broken into two weeks ago while we were at church. The result of all this is that our car has been in the shop this entire week and will be there a few days next week. Since I have radiation daily I have to have a car. So we've been juggling things all week long between Scott and I and friends help. It's so stressful on top of everything else. Next week we are going to just break down and rent a car. The stress is just too much!!

4-My last complaint is just how hard it is to get things done when I'm gone every single day for several hours. Its really starting to wear on me and some days I feel like I'm going to burst. The whole commuting thing (30 minutes each way downtown), the dropping my kids off at all sorts of friends homes (bless each and every one of them), but its just so hard to go through this day in and day out. There's nothing more to say except its hard.


Ok, that's it. I got it out of my system now! I'm done complaining!! I'm grateful that I have only SEVEN MORE DAYS of radiation. What an exciting thing. I'm also grateful to have a vehicle that normally is working and at my disposal, something I take for granted often. Certainly going through trials helps us to realize the blessings we take for granted daily--like our health. If you have yours--be so grateful!

Love and Hugs,
Heidi