The Comfort of the Temple

On Saturday we had a break in the middle of Cameron's swim events. We were able to go to the temple together which was really great. We went to the Mt. Timpanogas Temple and it was so great to be there. I needed the comfort of the temple as things have been really hard for me lately.


My life has changed a lot in the last month. Let me list a few of the challenges I have had:
-Went from no headaches to almost daily headaches
-Went from no steroids to 12 mg daily of steroids which means I have a racing brain, which drives me mentally crazy, and I only am sleeping a few hours a night which really has its effects on me. Napping sometimes works but other times my brain just goes nuts and I am up all night not able to sleep
-Went from being normal to being chubby in my waist and middle (clothes don't fit)
-Stopped being able to swallow about one month ago, on a liquid/soft foods diet
-Started having really horrible heartburn to the point that I gag while I'm sleeping and wake up drowning, or so it feels! Am trying different medications to no avail yet.
-:Lose my voice every day as a result of some problem with the the damage to my throat perhaps from the heartburn and being a mom without talking doesn't work well...this has been really hard!
-I can't swallow anymore without a LOT of effort and lots of water with each swallow. Every effort is hard. I choke often and we are worried about aspiration. I try so very hard but I am so limited on what I can eat but swallowing is just so hard/painful now.

-My 2 top Dr.'s aren't sure why I can't swallow. I have seen a specialist for a swallow study and tests have confirmed that indeed, yes, food does not go down when I swallow it, but they attribute it to weak muscles and I did the exercises and there has been no improvement in weeks, in fact it is getting harder to swallow, not easier. I gag on water but apple juice seems to work best.
-My leg has gone completely numb now and so I have a pirate leg now, a peg leg that drags when I walk. It's been this way for a month now so I am getting used to it but it is really hard to walk and every step is a challenge. The numbness is worse some days than others and some days I drag my peg leg but if I leave the house I have to have a cane.
-The steroids have affected my muscle tone and strength in the past week much more than normal. I have to use two hands to pull myself up the stairs as my legs don't have the strength they did before steroids. This happens each time I am on steroids for more than 2 months, it is just compounded by the fact that I can't walk...that wasn't an issue in the past being on steroids.
-Did I mention its really hard to be homebound? I look forward to getting out WHEN I feel good, which isn't often. However I can't drive, I can hardly walk, so I am reliable on everyone else and that has been really hard on me, it always is.
-Oh and on top of all this I have been on chemo treatment orally for weeks and have been feeling really sick. Some days are better than others and I am SOO grateful for the good days. I am weak and nauseated and feel all around crummy which is par for course on chemo.
-So, please don't ask me "How are you doing?" because the answer is not going to be a good one. I really am doing horrible. I am having a very hard time and life has really handed me more than I can handle right now. I struggle each and every day and I pray and I try to stay cheerful and I try to count my blessings.

For today my blessing is that I get to go have an Endoscopy where they will put a scope down my throat, into my esophagugus and down into my small intestine. They are looking to see what is going on with me, do they see a growth in my esophagus, is there something causing the constriction in my throat, why can't I swallow? Why does it hurt so much, is there anything in my lungs, etc. I will get some answers today and I am so grateful. For now count your blessings because believe me, I don't say this much, but your life could be SOO much worse. Here's to answers today!